When I was little, I swallowed a screw. I don’t remember it, but we had the X-rays that my parents pulled out every now and then to prove to us how crazy we were. I also didn’t fully appreciate my parents’ panic until Wednesday night, when Emmy swallowed a mini domino just before bed.
But let me back up a bit.
The Mondayest Wednesday ever started on Tuesday night, when Rafe fell asleep early and skipped his bedtime feed. I was too excited by my unexpected free time, and forgot to pump. When I woke up on Wednesday morning, I was so full of milk I wanted to cry. I breastfed both girls for a year each, and have been nursing Rafe for four months, and this is the first time I have ever been so engorged and in so much pain.
I spent most of Wednesday trying everything I could think of to bring relief: hot water bottles, warm showers – quick ones, because, hello water restrictions – lots of Panado, massage, nursing, massage while nursing. When I put Rafe down for the night, I planned to pass out.
Then I heard the wails from the girls’ room. Jacques was reading a bedtime story, and for some reason Emmy had been playing with a domino. In her mouth. Because she’s four years old and that’s obviously the most logical way to play with a domino.
I’m pretty sure I was younger than four when I swallowed the screw. I was probably about four when I drank an entire bottle of cough medicine (so I’d get better quicker) and hallucinated crocodiles all night. But that’s a story for another time.
Jacques bundled Emmy into the car and headed off to casualty. In the rain. Because what’s a nighttime hospital run without the drama of a thunderstorm? I put Angie to bed and waited for word from Jacques.
I sent a Whatsapp. Are you there yet?
Jacques finally phoned to tell me they were on their way home. There’d been no signal in the hospital.
“Are you going to put stuff in your mouth again?” I asked her when they got back. “Nope,” she assured me. Her promise was forgotten by morning, of course, and I’ve had to tell her to take something out of her mouth at least three times already.
Have kids, they said.
It’ll be fun, they said.
And then I saw this when I went into their room this morning:
What shenanigans have your kids been up to lately?